| [. will you sleep tonight, or will you think of me .] |
[30 Aug 2004|06:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 determined |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
There Is - Box Car Racer |
] |
......the day is pointless.............i feel like such a burden.........lately its gotten really hard to breathe................i just wish someone or something could bring it all back................make me feel like i used to............changes are for the better........but maybe its time for me to go.....................*shakes head*............*looks at floor*...............*tear drop falls*.............*clenches fists*.................
|
|
| [. playing life makes death so good .] |
[29 Aug 2004|02:10am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
One More Time - Flaw |
] |
......today wasent bad, but for some reason im really depressed..............im in one of those not good enough moods................i feel so.............alone........once again im to the point in which i feel un cared about............like not one single person on this earth is thinking of me right now......................and i can almost garuntee that not one person is thinking of me right now.................i wish i ment as much to someone............or mattered to someone...................i feel like a burden.........a waist of time.........maybe its time to give in..........after all the years of fighting, what do i have to gain?........not much if anything at all..............no one supports any of my desicions........when i told everyone i wanted to be drug free they laughed and mocked me........when i was extremly serius about it.............i just wish i had someone who thought of me like i think of some people..........if i fell asleep tonight and didnt wake up tomorrow.............no one would even find out unless they wanted me for something.............they woldnt just want me to see how i was doing or what was up.............but for me to do something for them or for me to stop doing something.................im lost alone and worthless.........why i continue still is unknown even to myself........but i go on, for what? That i will find out in the end.............ill find out what it was worth when its over.............i just wish it would end sooner............so i wouldnt have to feel this way anymore..................if only someone needed me.........
|
|
| [. Tiny voices make things harder, Everybody will be let down .] |
[28 Aug 2004|01:57am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
And I - Box Car Racer |
] |
............had an awesome day..............school was ok..........jenna and i are on speaking terms again...............then after school, dad picked me up and took me to work to get my check..........then we went and got jess *smiles*..............then went to jade dragon so i could get my tattoo...........it hurt really bad but its awesome..................then i went to work............jess and i went on a date...............we went and saw dodgeball........she got to drive :).........then we went to Cicso in red lion to wait for my mom..........we chilled there for about a half hour..................caleb is a mack.........and thats pretty much it........lol.............i kissed her boys and girls..........it was really awesome.................and now were dateing..............not together as in boyfriend/girlfriend.................but were getting to know each other, hangin out, that whole thing..........which is awesome.............anyways im really tired, so im off to bed..................nighty night kids.............
|
|
| [. i cant stand to see this fade away .] |
[24 Aug 2004|08:31pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Reflux - Ailinel |
] |
just got off work..........school wasent too bad..............theres way to many freshman, and theres a shit load of niggers i have to deal with..........but ill be alright.............im not taken anyones shit this year.......im stayin true to myself and never backing down..........caleb has a date tomorrow night *hopefully if jess can go*..........goin to the movies :).........anyways, im gonna go hop in the shower and go to bed.............peace easy......
|
|
| [. i never wanted it this way, but i never wanted to stay .] |
[23 Aug 2004|03:15am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
satisfied |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
I Die In Degrees - All That Remains |
] |
just thought id let you all know what im getting tattooed saturday.............its gonna look like this........
FOREVER
TRUE
on the back of my neck.................should be pretty cool..........anyways im off to bed................peace easy........
|
|
| [. just another step into my world of demise .] |
[23 Aug 2004|02:09am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
happy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Loseing Divinety, Embraceing Hate - My Wings Denied |
] |
.......the day.......woke up around 9ish and was forced to go to church........i hate church.......then we went out to golden corral........that was fun.........then i came home and cut the grass in my wife beater, cause im cool like that, lol............then i tried gettin ahold of jess and brandon.....but they were both gone, so i napped............then i did get ahold of jess *smiles*.........and i called caitlin................andy caitlin kelley came and picked me up, then we went and got jess................went back to caitlins to watch movies..........then me and jess got a chance to talk a little bit outside......that was nice..........im glad i got to see her.........im really starting to grow fond of her..............anyways then we took her home, and now here i sit..........im gonna be up for awhile so ill probably update again later..........peace easy..........
|
|
| [. a nation of sadist is what you are breading .] |
[22 Aug 2004|03:19am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
uncomfortable |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Reflux - Ailinel |
] |
the day..........woke up........then got ready........and we went school shopping......we went to staples first........then we went to goodwill.........got some pants and some new wife beaters......and some socks........then went to applebeas..........then i worked from 5 to 11.......it was hard.........im glad im off tomorrow :)............ive been talkin to Jess alot..........shes awesome.......hope we get to hang out soon..........anyways im off.......take it easy...............
|
|
| [. please dont idolize, cause these people are trained to fuckin hypnotize .] |
[21 Aug 2004|02:58am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
False Idols - Throwdown |
] |
...just got back from the show...............before that heres the day.........i woke up and went to nicks house............got ready there, then we went and got food and i bought mike and heather smokes...............then went to nicks and chilled there for awhile......then we left to tke daniel home and cash in our change for cash..........when we came back to nicks, britnay was there..........it was weird..........then andrea came and got us........we picked up pat.......and went to Bogarts...............the show was fuckin awesome........god forbid opened.......they were pretty sweet.........then bleeding through came on.......they owned............they were awesome................they slaughtered..........then dimmu borgir played.......we left after like 4 songs though.......cause they sucked..........all us hardcore kids kicked the shit out of the death metal kids though........it was awesome.............i met someone there..........her name is Jess..........i talked to her for awhile and got her screen name........she seems pretty cool..............anyways im off.........take it easy.......
|
|
| [. and so i loved you, i should let you go .] |
[20 Aug 2004|12:58am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 exhausted |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Tattered On My Sleeve - All That Remains |
] |
......the day sucked.......i probably fucked up hardcore...............and just ruined everything..................i really dont know what the fuck is going on.........all i know is that this is amazingly hard............and its only going to get harder.............so now i must go and try and figure out what the hell ive done...............if ive even done anything.............comment if you give a shit.......
|
|
| [. your eyes have cut through me, but its a risk that i must fuckin take .] |
[19 Aug 2004|01:26am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
determined |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Love Lost In A Hail Of Gunfire - Bleeding Through |
] |
........once again the day was meaningless.............im awaiting the time until friday.............got in some shit today...................after i got off work, i get in the car and my dad tells me to take my headphones off............i do, he then says "Caleb, im only going to ask you this once and i want the truth. Did you take cigarettes out of shaunas purse?" I then tell him no, because i didnt......He then gets angry because im lieing..............but im not........because i already had a few smokes..................anyway as we approach the house, i do something i though i would get away with, which is where i was wrong, because i never get away with anything.............i reach into my pocket and throw the pack of smokes i had in there with 2 smokes left underneath his car............he then turns and looks and sees them........me being stupid, i try and lie my way out of the situation like i always do, and i try and convince him there not mine..........which was stupid of me.............he then challenges me like he always does.............i then go up to my room and sit and wonder why i was so stupid............so i go downstairs and confess to him that they were in fact mine............and have a huge ass talk..........him not believing a word i say............then he tells me that im grounded until school starts...........my mother comes home and hears of this and thinks its unreasonable, sence ive put money and time off into this weekend..............he then tells me i have to pick........between the two concerts........either Dimmu Borgir featuring Bleeding Through and God Forbid on friday at bogarts........or Chimaira with Machine Head featuring 3 Inches Of Blood and Trivium.....................i was looking forward to both, but more forward towards bleeding through then any of them, so i chose bleeding through..........and maybe if im lucky i can go see staple on saturday.........but anyway, then later on some other things have happened........but those wont be mentioned until i figure out just what the hells goin on.................so im off now to await and countdown the time until bleeding through.......................comment if you give a shit......
|
|
| [. trying hard to forget that cold october day when freedom challenged love to a fist fight .] |
[18 Aug 2004|01:39am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
determined |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Short Stories With Tragic Endings - From Autumn To Ashes |
] |
.......here i sit.......who cares about the day............the challenge grows harder with each passing day.........theres not one second in which i consider giving up.........but i cant.........i wont............ill never give in.......this is something i need to do........i have to do.......but most of all..........i want to do........even if it means loseing everything..........i will succeed........right now im asking myself why........and i know why.........
"FOR MY SELF
FOR MY FRIENDS
FOR MY FAMILY
STRAIGHT FUCKING EDGE
FOREVER"
........if only it was easy..........but nothing is easy............comment if you give a shit........
|
|
| [. i sleep alone in spite of this .] |
[17 Aug 2004|03:33pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
determined |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The Sadist Nation - Darkest Hour |
] |
......just got out of the shower..............last night i went to mikes house.........i was hopeing to get an email or a phone call upon my arrival home from jenna...........but none were awaiting.............ive had some things on my mind lately...............some things that will never change, nor will they go away.........*sighs*.............*clenches fists*..........i will get through this.........whether it be with or without support...............if i have to do this alone, i will...............im off to work..........comment if you give a shit.......
|
|
| [. for myself. for my friends. for my family. straight fucking edge. forever .] |
[16 Aug 2004|02:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
determined |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Forever - Throwdown |
] |
.......went out for a walk..........stopped and chilled at mikes house for a bit.........nick james and chris were there.........talked to nick for a bit......then on my way back jenna and tosha were sitting outside toshas house............chilled there for a little bit.....then came home.........and now here i sit........its reached this point in my life..........there lies before me to paths, one leading to the left in a straight line, the other leading towards the opposite direction in an identical straight line............behind me lies the path i once walked.........on the left, there leads a path of destruction............my habbits turn into addictions............i depend on my job to support them........i then lose my job due to a habbit inscrease.........i then lose my job, and begin selling my possesions to support my addictions............at the end, im a worthless street rat with no friends, no money, and being held captive under my addictions.............on the right leads a path of peace..........a struggle towards finally being able to walk the right path......become successfull...............in the past, the path was winding.........going slightly to the left a times, then at other times leadeing towards the right............but now i must choose............walking the right path or the left path..............one would think it would be an easy desicion........but its not........this isnt something i have to do.........its something i want to do.........although this desicion will require much sacrifice and be extremly hard.........its something i want to do..............well im off to go to bed..........goodnight to all..............and take it easy........
|
|
| [. please tell mom this is not her fault .] |
[15 Aug 2004|10:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
sore |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Adams Song - Blink 182 |
] |
.....just got off work..........andrea picked me up :).........work was long and hard........but ehh, its money.............and now, here i sit............here in a little bit i might go meet up with mike at goldman so we can talk about life........and what not..........was hoping jenna would be on........but shes probably off somewhere.........anyways, im gonna get outta here............ill catch you kids later..............
|
|
| [. please dont worry too much, it only hurts when i breathe .] |
[14 Aug 2004|11:41pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
determined |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Forever - Throwdown |
] |
.....just got home..........i went to nicks house, then m nick and heather picked up noble........then she took us to kroger so i could buy my ticket to Bleeding Through..........*smiles*......then i went to the mall........rebought this is love, this is murderous........and darkest hours new jam..........pretty awesome.........then we went and picked everyone up and went to the show.........subversion did awesome.........like always........there new stuff is really good............the pit wasent to bad either.............then seize the moment played.........they were awesome as well..........subversion was still the best though :)............anyways then heather took ozzy and fatla home......then stopped and got gas and dealies for the caleb.........the last pack of smokes i will ever pay for..........its a double pack so it should be enough to help me quit......then im going to try my hardest to be drug free.........all my friends are given me shit for it, but im not doing it for them..........im doing it for myself............so i can prove to myself that i am not held under a habbit.......or that i dont need drugs or alcohol or cigarettes to make me have fun.........and also that i have enough respect for those around me, and myself..........this isnt something im doing for anyone else but myself..........i know you guys are gonna give me shit about it, but if i do it, and i accually do end up quitting all of it..........i would hope you would have the respect for me to understand my convictions........and im not saying "im straight edge now".........because im not.............i am saying i am going to try and stop all of it..............so dont let it come off as me saying "im done with smoking and all that, im straight edge"...........the only thing i ask out of my friends and anyone reading this, is that you respect me enough..........welp im hungry and bored, so im gonna go grab some food, then prolly pass out, cause im kinda tired........so ill catch you kids later............comment if you love me :)........peace easy kids.........
|
|
| [. arch your back, part your hair, make eye contact, see that i do care .] |
[14 Aug 2004|12:25pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
determined |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
For Your Malice - Lamb Of God |
] |
.....today is the day................last night, i got it all out of me........and now, its onward towards my becoming of XXXsXeXXX........all i have to do is give up smoking.........which is going to be hard.......but i know i can do it............im not going to just quit............i wont be able to.......but im going to cut back until i eventually quit...............im off........gotta call jenna and see if she still wants to try and go shopping or do something..........ill update after the show......peace.........
|
|
| [. the time is now, dont be another victim .] |
[13 Aug 2004|02:46am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
determined |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Walk Away - Throwdown |
] |
....just got back from mikes a little bit ago...............then came home.........tomorrow is my last day of doing anything..........then im going to try and go straight edge............with determination, i can do it..........im just tired of the way i live...........and its time for a change........so starting saturday..........unil the day i die.......................XXXsXeXXX.............im off.........peace easy.......
|
|
| [. im still and still proud and i still know what it takes to be true .] |
[12 Aug 2004|06:48pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cranky |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Dirty Pink - S.T.A.B |
] |
.....the day.......woke up around 12 or so then hoped in the shower.......then went over to my jennas house............sara and mitch were there.............then they left and jenna and i just sat around............well we talked........which was nice........i dont think weve just talked in a while............and now im home.........im supposed to hang out with andrea for a little bit..........then im probably sitting at home........unless mike calls or something.........which he might not, sence he supposedly found his/my hoodie under his dresser.......when i know for a fact he got it from nick........cause i left it over there..........anyways im out......take it easier then i am.....
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
abandagediris94's journal
blah